Yesterday was one of those almost perfect days. Maybe 10 hours of sleep the night before (after an exhausting week and an all night flight) was a factor. The weather, the neighborhoods, the lovely angels at the cemetery, the excitement of meeting Maya Angelou, and some delicious meals were all contributors. But, more than that, there was the pleasure of working side by side at the computer with my physicist, both of us enjoying our labors. Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that there are rhythms and cycles that mean you are not always in sync with one another. But the years with my physicist have taught me that the moon is there (the whole of it), even when it is hidden by thunderstorms or diminished by the shadow of the earth, and I can trust that the full shine of it will reemerge. Yesterday was a full-moon day. Walk, eat, work, sleep, touch, laugh, cry, all in harmony with each other.
So, even though my physicist got something imbedded in his eye, and even though he is catching a cold and I am recovering from one (sorry about that, love), we both agree it was a top drawer day.
In fact, in the excitement of such a great day, I almost forgot my Lenten discipline—to meditate at least once a day. OK, I am not Catholic—never have been. I’m definitely not pious and—though I do belong to a church, I would describe myself as spiritual but not religious. I’m more of a “My Karma ran over my Dogma” kind of gal. But for many years I have found it very powerful to practice some sort of Lenten structure. In the past I’ve given up meat, chocolate, sweets in general. Last year I took on once-a-day meditation.
In my most failed Lenten discipline I once tried to give up swearing. That was the spring I met my physicist, a very gentle man whose most expletive expression at the time was a single ‘dad-gummit’ (and, in his shoes at the time, I’d have kicked a hole in the wall and shouted a string of words F-words loud enough to make the dog howl). In the interest of fairness in advertising, I tried to tell him ‘you have no idea what I am really like; I’ve given up swearing for Lent.’ I was not able to scare him off, something for which I am grateful every fucking day.
This year I have given up sweets (again, always hoping it will help me lead to a more permanent handle on the crap I put in my mouth) and-- for the first time--sodas, and have committed again to one meditation per day. Although I go to a weekly meditation group, I’m really a pretty noncommittal meditator. Sad but true: given a choice, I’m just as likely to turn on Law and Order re-runs…
…even thought the pay-offs to meditation are very high. When the voices in my head jack me full of fear and self-loathing between 3 and 4 a.m., I can sit with my deep breathing and centering chant to keep them at bay. On the flight down here, I found meditating on the plane was a very easy task; it relieved the anxiety of travel disorientation and there wasn’t a whole lot else to do.
But in yesterday’s excitement, and the evening’s frustration of trying to attach both text and angel photos into one blog posting (I won’t confess how many hours I spent on that), and perhaps because of the seriously good non-decaffeinated coffee and iced tea I had consumed, meditation slipped entirely from my to-do list until I tried to settle into bed next to my sleeping physicist. Oy.
Now meditating at that point in the day usually just sends me right to dreamland and I feel I’ve cheated the actual centering process. But I was so keyed up that sleep was a distant possibility anyway, and I decided to give it a go. Believe me, that meditation took on a whole new flavor. Instead of taking me away from the evil voices (who had packed up and gone to bed so they could be up and primed for our early morning rendezvous), my centering chant took me toward the possibilities of more excellent adventures. Meditation toward excitement rather than relaxation? Meditation whose theme is ‘let’s live these moments more fully,’ rather than ‘get me the fuck out of here?’ Hmmmm…it is a new concept, but one I am itching to pursue.
Oh my dear, thank you so much for offering an alternative to the earnest but dry Lenten meditation! How courageous of you to give up swearing for Lent. Giving up the eff word would have rendered some of us practically mute.
ReplyDeleteToday in writing circle, where you were missed, Alyce asked the question why do we not lie awake at night listing our good qualities? Must be the moon.
ReplyDeleteI love your description of how couples have rhythms and cycles leading to times of in sync, and those when they're less in sync.
ReplyDeleteI tried giving up swearing for lent. I'm not even that much of a swearer, but that was hard. I went to a concert of a favorite singer, and found that I couldn't sing along with the lyrics unless I sang "bleep" every few words. I decided not to do a lenten observation this year - so much else going on, which is probably all the more reason to try something like meditation each day.