A farmer's cows stopped giving milk. He called his neighbor, a physicist and the smartest man the farmer knew, to see what advice the physicist might have. The physicist looked at the cows; he looked at their food; he looked at the milking machines and the stanchions, then he went home to think about it.
The next day the physicist arrived at the farm and said, "I can help you."
Oh, good, thought the farmer.
"But first," said the physicist, "You've got to have a spherical cow."
That's it. That's the whole joke and please believe Catbird, it is not substantially better as a recitation.
Catbird must confess, though, she laughed when she heard it, because it was so arcane and not-funny funny; she was really laughing at the physicist's sense of humor. Now she sees it is funny because it is also spot on for physicist's home handyman behavior (e.g. he might be able to conceptualize a plan but the practical application--well, not so much). Catbird has learned this joke is so common that the "spherical cow" is physicist-speak for research which is too constrained by unrealistic parameters to be of applicable value. (Catbird's words; not my physicist's.)
Ok, enough not-funny funny.
***
Last week Catbird got a phone call from the Women's Imaging Center saying there had been a problem with her mammogram and she needed to return tout de suite for additional imaging and untrasound. The next morning Catbird found herself bent forward 30 degrees, standing at a cold mammography device, with her right arm extended around the machine, her left arm over her head, her feet turned 90 degrees to the right, while the technician worked to push enough of Catbird's armpit onto the cold plastic plate to be squished and photographed.
When the tech said, "Don't breathe," Catbird thought: I couldn't if I wanted to.
Okay, sure...Yeah. This is Catbird.
(Yeah, and this is an accurate picture of how a woman stands for her mammogram, too.
Sure, honey, you bet.)
Usually Catbird doesn't complain about the mammogram and accepts it as a minor discomfort of modern healthcare. But this was crazy. While the breast may fit--however painfully-- between those plastic plates, the armpit--excuse me: the axillary space--does not. No way; ain't gonna happen; not no-how. How the original mammogram turned up an errant lump from the axillary area is beyond Catbird's imagining; trying to recapture that moment unreasonable.
To distract herself from her own contortions, Catbird thought about the person who invented mammography, which is a helpful tool (though only one of many necessary) to help women identify breast cancer in the early treatable phases. (http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_103607.html) Many women have sworn it was designed by a man who has no idea how brutal it is to women's breasts, though Catbird has not been able to confirm much about the history of mammography.
"Let us put their testicles between two plates and squeeze to look for testicular cancer and see how they like THAT," is a not-uncommon refrain.
And standing there, Catbird thought: there is a point to be made that historically male-dominated medical care has often overlooked special issues of women. But, mostly, Catbird held her breath and practiced a very strange medical version of Twister as the technician attempted to flatten Catbird's armpit between two plastic plates. And then Catbird had an epiphany. Catbird was the cow, not spherical, but trying to fit into a machine designed for the spherical cow.
Catbird did not attempt to explain her sudden laughter to the technician. Catbird wasn't sure if the technician had ever seen Big Bang Theory, or spent long nights in conversation with a physicist.
***
P. S. Ultrasound and follow-up evaluation with Catbird's doctor showed no problems with Catbird, thank you very much. Maybe someone spilled pico di gallo on the original image?
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